Longing for Security

The day has finally come! I’m engaged to be married and the proposal was far from what I could have ever imagined. My perfectly white nail polish had never looked this good paired with the perfect diamond. It wasn’t just any diamond, no. It was a cushion cut with a halo of diamonds all around the sparkly stone. He knew exactly what I wanted!

Let me backtrack to this day back in November 11, of 2017.

My boyfriend and I, at the time, had been dating on-and-off for about two years. Right before he proposed, we had just gotten back together after a two month breakup. I’d tell you why we were broken up so many times, but I honestly can’t remember why this one lasted two months. Most of our breakups always had a pattern of either; insecurities, financial disagreements, or I guess we simply didn’t know how to do this whole relationship thing work. Whatever it was, it seemed like this time we were in it for the long run.

Listening to my favorite country song playlist on YouTube, while I carefully perfected my curls with a hot iron tool felt so different that night. Almost every song that played as I got ready had a sentiment attached to it that it almost seemed as if I had handpicked them out for this very night, before I even knew what was about to happen! The more each song played, the more in-love I felt that night.

I slipped into a knee-length formal grey dress that hugged every curve of my body and paired it with my favorite nude heels that lengthened my short legs. I then sprayed my favorite Juicy Couture perfume on my neck and wrists for the final touch as I waited for my man to arrive.

He soon pulled up and surprised me in a white Mercedes Benz that his godmother had let him borrow for the night. Ya’ll, I was so scared to touch anything in this car fearing that I might scratch it with my bracelet or a heel!

We pulled up to an Italian restaurant and as we ate bread paired with delicate butter that was actually very pleasing to the eye as it wasn’t just a block of butter on a plate or wrapped in foil, it was actually somewhat shaped like a flower on a round-nude colored plate garnished with sprinkles of parsley. I’m telling you, I was very impressed.

I remember having very intimate conversations as we sipped on wine replaying back into how our relationship began to where it was now. They were hard conversations, but somehow felt right for the moment as we were both setting our pride aside. We apologized for how we’ve both had constantly hurt each- other out of fears that were attached to our own personal lives before we had even met.

Dinner ended on a good tone as we continued to celebrate our love and appreciation for each other. As he drove to my next surprise he had under his sleeve, we pulled up to a graveled parking-lot and I couldn’t quite figure out what this place was until we entered the mysterious building that looked like a warehouse from the outside. As we walked through the hall towards the from desk, there were videos of helicopters overseeing the Chicago skyline on monitors.

Wait, what!? We’re going on a helicopter!? I was so shocked and sort of shaking, and not because it was a cold November in Chicago, but because we were just about to go on a helicopter ride!

Alright, I’ll be honest, I totally assumed he was going to pop the question. But let me tell you how it all happened.

We finally get into the helicopter after the first two couples that were riding with us took their photos before our turn. My boyfriend and I get the front seats where we saw the beautiful night as we flew above lake Michigan. The lights from the buildings and the lights from the Navy Pear carousel illuminated the city. I never thought i’d experience something like this, it was truly magical!

As we make our way down to solid ground and the couples behind us make their way out, we’re stopped to “re-take” the photos we had initially taken prior to our ride assuming a “malfunction” had occured regarding our initial photo. And guess what? Yup, you guessed it. that’s where he got down on one knee and popped the question!

I honestly don’t remember what he said because I couldn’t hear a thing! The helicopter was still on and my hair was flying all over the place, but I couldn’t think of anything else but to say yes as he placed the ring on my finger.

Me and my engagement ring moments after proposal!

I’d tell you that we’re happily married now in 2020, but our magical engagement lasted less than four months.

If I shared all of this with you is because I’m constantly learning that God often has different plans for our lives. I was lead by God to call off the engagement and even if at that time it was hard for me to let go of that relationship, three years later I now see why God lead me to that decision.

I’m 28 years at the moment and I can honestly say that for majority of my life I felt that only marriage could complete me. I believed the lie that marriage would bring me security. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. I wouldn’t have learned this hard truth if I hadn’t remained single for these past few years while intentionally walking with God.

It wasn’t easy for me to walk away, but because I prayed that cold February night for God to show me which path to take, I walked away feeling this unexplainable peace deep inside of me. Yeah, weeks and months passed where I cried and wanted to go back into this relationship, but I know God wanted this to protect both myself and even my ex-fiancé.

What felt like a rejection from God at the time, became a redirection from Him later on.

~Kingdom Beauty Design

A redirection of changing both of our hearts. A change of minds. And a change of lifestyles that reflect more of Jesus.

As newborn Christians in 2017, it was often hard for us to detach from our previous lifestyle. We were both living together the previous year and having sex outside of marriage, and although this stopped after becoming baptized as we chose celibacy, it was often hard to be alone together.

God wasn’t punishing us for our past decisions. He was actually protecting us both while drawing us closer to Himself and this is a decision I will never regret.

When we place our longings and desires fully in God’s hands, rejection is actually a gift God uses to shape us into the man and woman He created us to be. God alone provides the security we desperately long for and He offers it to those who seek refuge in Him.

"For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God? This God is my strong refuge and has made my way blameless." 
-2 Samuel 22:32-33

I don’t know what God may be leading you to walk away from. Maybe a relationship outside of marriage, a career, or simply a way of living, but I promise you that God’s ways are always right and fruitful. He invites you and I to pray and ask Him for direction in every area of our lives because He is a caring and loving Father regardless of what we’ve ever done.

Trust God, and Do Good… 🙂