I slammed the door to my bedroom in anger and with tears running down my cheeks. With a knot on my throat I yelled out to my parents, “Why did you have me in the first place?!” My dad followed and opened my door, furious after what I had just said and done. I’m on the floor crying with my hands on my face as my mind fills with nothing but thoughts of shame, confusion, anger, resentment and emptiness. I felt empty and as if I simply couldn’t figure out how to “fit in” anywhere, even at home.
I was probably at the age of thirteen when all of this went down. I was deep in depression and feeling so lost in life. And honestly, I wasn’t missing anything, but I still felt empty.
It’s funny how we want to have life all figured out in our teenage years, right? And even now at age 28, I sometimes get frustrated if I don’t know the answers to how I should continue running my business as a barber more effectively, or when I should move out of my parents basement, and especially how to maintain single and effective in allowing God to use me in this season.
Sometimes I just want to slam my door again and weep.
My dear friend; desires, goals, dreams and ambition are not wrong. They’re placed in our hearts for a reason. But if we’re not careful to surrender all to God first, we run the risk of loosing our souls to gain the world instead and find ourselves miserable and empty again-and-again.
For what does it profit a man, to gain the whole world and lose His own soul?~ Mark 8:36
Doing things with the wrong motives such as: to please people, to use people, to gain self-recognition and to fill a void from within only leave us empty over-and-over again. It becomes a vicious cycle in our lives that can be undone and overcome… The answers are found through the Word of God.
"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." ~Matthew 6:33-34
I remember that day when I slammed my bedroom door at my parents. I immediately regretted what I had just done and said because I knew I didn’t mean it. I look back now and can’t even phantom how painful those words might have felt like to have their own daughter practically say, “I don’t like my life, and It’s your fault I came into this world.”
Ouch! Like a knife to the heart.
Yeah, I was young and didn’t know any better. But now at age 28, even if i’m not slamming doors or saying harsh words to my parents, I can still be pretty mean to my Heavenly Father when I nag and complain about what I don’t yet have.
This past week i’ve been practicing to really surrender my day to God. My prayer in the morning has turned into, “Lord, thank You for another day and renewed grace. You know my heart and my desires, but I pray to step back and allow your desires dwell into my heart. If my plans are interrupted, I pray to see them as Your divine intervention for what You want to do through me today.
It’s so powerful when we allow ourselves to just step back and let God do His part in our day-to-day lives. Putting God first before anything and everything helps us to fully trust in His leading and provision.
I know that recently I had been feeling anxious and even unmotivated. I felt like a dry sponge unable to pour out anything anymore. But as I continued to pray and seek God, I was reminded that without Him I can do nothing. If I try to run ahead of Him, as I normally tend to do, i’ll only keep ending up in the same isolated and unsatisfied place.
The more we learn to thank God for all that He has done in our lives, the more we will experience peace in our souls. And the more we experience his peace, the more we learn to be satisfied with what we already have. And the more we are grateful and satisfied in what we have, the better we can pray to use it all for His glory.
Trust God, and Do Good… 🙂