Once again another midnight trip to the hospital ER accompanied by the paramedics. I think they were just as confused as I was to be seated in the back of the truck. Young, fresh as a lettuce and without a sign of blood gushing out of my flesh.
It was a cold Friday night in January right before my birthday when I was surprised by two cops nocking at my door in my apartment. Minutes earlier I had been exchanging text messages with my boyfriend at the time. And no, these were not texts full of love towards each other. They were messages that were filled with pain and frustration because I couldn’t understand why we weren’t living together anymore. They were messages that cried out in pain. I was longing for affirmation that I was still loved and wanted. They were messages that if he could have only read in between the lines said, ” please, don’t give up on us.”
But instead of hearing back what I longed to hear from my boyfriend, I received a nock at my apartment door that night by two tall middle aged male cops. I’m pretty sure they could see the confusion in my face when I opened the door.
As I welcomed them into my living room they explained that someone had called to inform them that I had made a suicidal comment through text message. Of course, it had been my boyfriend that called them after I had made a comment to him about me not wanting to live like this anymore. I was in so much pain that all I wanted was my heart to be ripped out of my body. I know ya’ll, it was a bit extreme, but it’s truly how I was feeling at the time. I was so sick of all of my failed relationships. I never wanted to feel this way again.
The cops were pretty relaxed as they walked into my apartment and pointed out how well put together it was. I was living in a one bedroom apartment at the time and I have always been found of home decor. I enjoyed displaying a welcoming and positive atmosphere with encouraging quotes and pumpkin spice and mahogany teakwood scented candles that filled even the hallways of the apartment complex.
One of the cops explained how a man had called 911 to have someone check up on me to ensure that I wouldn’t harm myself. I explained to them that I was fine, but that the man who called them was actually my boyfriend and we were having a disagreement through text. One of the cops asked if he could check those text messages so of course I let him see for himself. Unfortunately, one of those texts did seem to have somewhat of a suicidal tone which lead the cops have me transferred to the hospital to insure that I wouldn’t in fact harm myself.
I had a history of depression and being hospitalized for a similar situation before my current boyfriend already. I don’t blame him for choosing to do this that night, but deep inside me wished he had simply been there for me to comfort me. I was so confused that night in the hospital room feeling empty and ashamed.
Looking back at that night I realize that I was constantly looking for approval and self-worth through romantic relationships my whole life. But today, by the grace of God, is a completely different story.
My self-worth is not determined by my relationship status. I am worthy because God tells me so.~Kingdom Beauty Design
It’s so easy to fall into the trap of measuring our self-worth in relationships, job titles, and even by the number on our scale. But God constantly reminds us throughout scripture how loved, seen, and worthy we are to Him. He chose us. He created us. He breathes air in us because He has a plan for us.
As I was reading chapter one of the book of Ruth this morning, I noticed how different Ruth and her mother-in-law Naomi approached the loss of both their husbands. Naomi was bitter and felt that God had turned from her while Ruth wanted to learn more of Naomi’s God and not turn back to her own town in Moab where people worshiped idols. Ruth loved Naomi and despite the fact that both their husbands died, Ruth was determined to follow and comfort Naomi along the way as she trusted Naomi’s God and learned new faith. I couldn’t help but to also notice how beautiful it is to read about women comforting other women through scripture. It’s a reminder of how loved and comforted I am by my Christian sisters and mentors.
We can all experience a similar feeling of emptiness and loneliness, but only God can truly satisfy our souls. It is only through Him we are fully fulfilled and complete.
The next time you feel unworthy, unnoticed, and without a purpose in life, look to God and ask Him to fill you with His unfailing love. He will comfort you and remind you how worthy you are to Him. He created you just as you are. He chose you. He knows you. My friend, He has seen the mistakes you’ve made, yet He still wants you for Himself. Only in Him we are complete and fulfilled.
Do you believe this is true for you?
Trust God, and Do Good… 🙂