Kingdom Beauty Design

Isn’t it so easy to blame ourselves for almost everything that happens to us? We trust people so much that we tend to find excuses for their own behaviors.

“They didn’t mean to…”

Or, “they must have had a bad day…”

And, “they weren’t sober when they said it…”

I totally get it! We love someone so much that we let them off the hook simply because it’s the easiest thing to do, yet we don’t realize how much harm we are causing ourselves by continuing to excuse misbehavior.

Of course, it may not just be the fact that we love someone that much that we “let it go.” From my experiences, I think it also begins with lack of confidence due to other past failures and hurts that it makes it so much easier to become victims of emotional and physical abuse…

My sexual abuse at 16

Let me share one of my childhood abuse that led me to begin my lack of confidence and self-love.

At the age of 16, I dated a guy that was 21 years of age. I have had two previous short term boyfriends before him, but this one was a bit different. My parents knew a bit more of him. They would only let me see him occasionally throughout the week, but never away from our home. We sat on a bench that was on the side of the kitchen window where my family could see us. (Ugh, I hated it.) About six months into the relationship, my parents finally loosened up and allowed me to drive to the mall with him. (I was so excited!) Long story short, while I was looking through clothes on a rack, I remember him looking at me up and down very closely. He asked that we leave the mall soon, and once we got to his burgundy Chevy Tahoe, he wanted us to sit in the back seat “to talk” as if we were at my parents home on the bench. I didn’t think anything of it, so I agreed.

Then, as soon as we closed the door, he began touching me like he’d never done before. I pushed him off a few times, but he kept insisting. I had no idea why he was doing this. I was so naive….

I won’t get into details on this blog post, but you can only imagine the confusion and betrayal I had felt at that moment. The only thing I can tell you is that, I wish I would have never left that bench back at home…

Continual Abuses

I would love to tell you that after I ended that relationship after that incident happened was the last of my physical/emotional abuses, but it wasn’t. I married an even older guy at the age of 18. Although there may have been very few good times, most of them were full of lies, cheating, and our fights were like a boxing match in my parents basement where we lived.

This and a lot of other things that i’m choosing to leave out for now, caused me to attempt suicidal, cutting myself, binge eating and vomiting, etc…

I didn’t realize that everything that I was allowing to happen in my life was the cause of past pain and failures. I had no idea that I was dead in real life. I continued to accept peoples’ mistreatments to rule my life, and all because I didn’t know the truth…

New Life

The truth is, I didn’t know God as much as I “thought” I did. I never studied His word in the past. But the past is all in the past, and I am a new creation. I’m falling in love with the one I should have been in love with from the beginning. My Lord and savior continues to teach me the way of life, and what I should accept in my life. My Lord will always have my back, and the best part is, He is the only one who can repay all that was done in my life.

“Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall posses a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy.” ~Isaiah 60:22

Trust God, and Do Good 🙂

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