Kingdom Beauty Design

1Corinthians 13:7-8 Love- always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, love never fails.
I was raised and baptized in a Catholic church where I also completed my first communion and confirmation. Despite having this background and attending Sunday mass quite frequent I feel as if I’ve never learned as much about the Bible as I do now since joining South Park Church from back in October.
Throughout middle school and high school, I remember being the award kid with very few friends and meeting up weekly with a social worker that had diagnosed me with depression. I had no idea what that meant back at that time, but I did feel different from everyone else. My routine was always just school and home with hardly any social time out of school. In my sophomore year, the last time I spoke to my social worker was when I finally confessed to her about something that had happened to me. I had been dating a guy a few years older than me for about six months. I was a bit naive at the time and towards the end of our relationship he sexually abused me and I ended that relationship as soon as it happened. I was too afraid to tell anyone about what had happened so my way of coping with the pain was through binge eating and vomiting as well as cutting myself. Once I decided to tell my social worker, she involved my family that same day where I was also taken out of class straight to Alexia Brothers Hospital for rehab. I remember it being the worst day of my life being left alone with strangers dealing with their own issues as well and asking myself how I got myself into this situation.
Two years pass by and I get married three months after graduating high school to a guy nine years older than me. The night before getting married I felt like I was making a huge mistake, but decided to go through with it since I was too far in already. Honestly, for me, getting married was a bit more of an escape from home wanting to be an adult. Well, it turned out to be the complete opposite in the end since we lived in my parents basement for nearly four years of being married. Within that time, he managed to hide things from me, lie, cheat, and mistreat me. I fell deep into depression and anxiety feeling unloved, ugly, and unwanted. One of our last arguments led me to the hospital once again, but this time for suicidal attempt.
Right before my marriage ended, I had decided that I should start living my life for myself rather than by trying to please everyone else. I gained up to 200 pounds within my marriage and knew that that’s what I had to change first in order to show myself love. I lost about 50 pounds in less than a year and later on I became self-employed doing what I love which also lead getting my own first apartment. I felt so independent and unbreakable! Soon after that, I met a guy as I was purchasing furniture for my new apartment. It turned out that my living room furniture came with the salesman too! I knew from the moment I saw him that he would be something special, but I had no idea what a crazy ride it would be. I fell in love with him more as we met. But, I had no idea that my past would have any power over me. With time, I became jealous, insecure, and fearful which caused me to develop anxiety and depression once again. We broke up in January, but I would describe it as a painful blessing.
This breakup made me want to seek Jesus more than ever before so, I joined the young adults group. I honestly didn’t know how to open my bible to the correct passage that we would be studying that night. Beka was sitting right next to me that day and helped me open up to 1Corinthians chapter 13 which my bible was already bookmarked prior to research I had done on my own weeks ago searching God’s way to love. I felt like God knew that the subject of love would keep me interested in going to bible study since I was desperate for love, and so I did. I honestly have never learned so much about God till right now. Martin and I reunited after two months of being split up and honestly, our relationship has made a drastic change. We understand and accept each other more than before and now when we find ourselves arguing or disagreeing on something we pray. Placing God before anything and anyone has taught us both to lean on the Lord instead of our own understanding.
I know that God isn’t finished with me yet and that I still struggle with anxiety at times. But, I’m excited to walk with the Lord from now on and to trust Him with the journey that He has given me to carry out by His side.